I dont love any one!
This is what I have realized.. I am too selfish to love any one too dearly! And I am not ashamed of it at all! Nope, this is not the exam time depression speaking.. This is not loneliness induced obsession speaking.. This is not any kind of pre-or-post MS speaking..This is no cynical philosophical BS speaking.. Yessir! this is plain old keerthi. original uncut version.
I do all the loving gestures to people.. I care for them.. I do things that they will like/ be happy about. But, I don't love them.. I just love the feeling that I get when I do these things.. The smiles, the thank yous.. oh yes the thank yous (I will talk about this later) and similar responses make me happy. I don't care about them.. I care about myself..I do the right things to instill the right responses.. and then Voila! Experiment is a success! I don't care about the guinea pigs any more!
Another equally important reason for me doing the things that I do, other than the experiment being a success is the impression that I create. Oh my god! Do I EVER run behind impressions! I am SO PERENNIALLY confused between what I am doing for myself and what I am doing for the impression of it, I don't even know when I am faking emotions! I dont like my husband if he does not reciprocate the love I give him.. I don't like people who take favors from me and are not grateful.. so much so that... the whole thing loses its value for me.
It is a tango.. if the other person doesn't dance along, the whole fun is gone! I dont care about ni-swaartha prema! I want what I want.. if you can give it to me, fine.. or else .. I dont care about you!
There is something terribly wrong!
All this and I have a lot of free time on my hands to write all this BS about! hurray ! my life rocks!
posted by nphard @ 9:36 AM
3 Comments
3 Comments:
All of us are inherently selfish. Take any relationship -- friendship, kit and kin, siblings, husband - wife, and even parents and children. It is there everywhere. However, I must admit that some relationships are less selfish than others.
When we come face to face with this selfishness, and see it all around, not to mention ourselves, we are bound to be shocked. We probably don't see this most of the time because either of the two happens is seamlessly happening.
we benifit from that selfishess (some of our needs are satisfied), and we are very happy. so there is nothing to worry about.
or
we get hurt (some of our needs are not met). When this happens, we spend time placing the blame on others, and not on our own selfishness.
The immediate consequence of the this is that the responsibility for everything that pains us lies sqarely on our shoulders. Hence, the responsibility of fixing it lies, automatically, on our shoulders.
So, can we be truly selfless. No. we can't be. So, what is the way out? The way out should be to have the right kind of selfishness. Sw. Vivekananda's words come to my mind. All of our actions should be inspired by one and only one goal -- to be less and less selfish day by day, action by action. That should be our selfishess, that should be our religion, and that should be our sprituality. Everything else is just plain talk, and words, which only confuses the mind and causes more pain.
Do you remember ? how I was talking about how you are the ONLY cause of what happens in your life? it is just another case of that long list of things you can do to yourself..
Actually, I have thought about this idea of selfishness since I was in 2nd PU. I am not shocked at it.. what I was just surprised at the honesty that my heart feels when I say I love some one.. when all I care about is his/her response to me! I dont feel any less sincere about the "i love you's" that I utter when I know very well, I dont!
hey paagal - are u not in luv with prince
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