Stripped off..

My house was broken into. They robbed us off of everything.. all my precious jewels full of memories..I had.. ring my husband gave me for my anniversary.. the earrings I got from my friend from Philips, the inexpensive trinkets that I bought from when my husband and I traveled across the world, everything is gone..

Our pictures.. of our home in Venezuela, and from India, our videos of Prince's Grandma, everything.. I don't even want to look at what is gone and what is left..

We have now, No TV, no video cam, no digital SLR, no lenses, no audio mixer, 2 laptops (the one I got after 2 others were stolen 2 years ago about the same time) ..no hard disks full of pictures, music.. memories..

everything is gone..

On top of this, I changed my passwords of an email account I have had since 1998.. my first email address,.. And now I don't remember what it is .. so I lost all the emails I have saved since then.. 11 years of my emails.. fond words, heart breaking messages, memories.. stories ..everything I had never thought I would have to part with..is gone..

I guess I am being.. neatly stripped off of things I used to feel homely with.. Things I identified myself with..

I am not OK.. Although, I am much less emotional about it now.. having told the template-story to everyone who called... I am not OK.. I feel very helpless... I don't want to think about it..but I have no choice!

Latent currents

Things have been going on so fast, I have not had time to catch my breath.. At the same time, things have been so stagnant, I have no motivation to breathe in... yup that is my regular life..

I had a dream again yesterday, one more of those things where I must have picked a small scab and it all came flooding out..

The dream went like this..

I was in some house.. In my dream it was ours. I don't know who else was there, and we went to the terrace. to look at something.. can't remember what it was.. I think the curiosity was that probably a neighbor Q, had set up a small junk yard up on their terrace, and we wanted to look at it. It was a exotic collection of things.. almost like a small world.. a pretty one.. on their terrace, in the sun and the sky..

And while I was looking, my mom (I think) started telling me about this other neighbor P, who had a monkey, and he used to play with it up there in his terrace. Neighbor P was there wearing a big gown of sorts, his back to us (the kind you see in Harry potter or Lord of the rings or such stuff).

The monkey was happy, it was finding ways to tease him, annoy him, seek his approval. It would fetch little nothings to Neighbor P just to get ruffled on its head. I think we watched it for a while to see the various antics and I felt like a kid watching a show, an innocent, lovely show.

Once when Neighbor P bent down to ruffle his pet, with a smile on his face, and he happened to look at us. His was a face I can never forget. His face made this a dream I can never forget. When he recognized who it was, It changed slightly.. from a congenial smile, to a little sad, that is still trying to smile, and fell short of either. But his eyes..there was the depth of emotions in it, that had no limit. There was care, (did I see a hint of joy..?) and a lot of pain.. There were millions of stories in the eyes, that I knew would never be told.. but wanted to be conveyed. It was like this one look, was going to be the one that summarizes everything, the millions of seconds of our histories that divided us, and every inch of the miles that had taken us in separate ways, every thought that had gone on in our minds in between. I felt the gap of the two terraces dividing us ever so badly..

When I saw who he was, and how he looked at me, I took one deep breath, and it never came back.. What came out was a deluge... and I burst out sobbing.. Not a sniffling sob with silences in between. But, one that just comes out in floods.. and never stops.. and I cannot control it.. and the more I shed tears, the more I want to drown in it.. and I wailed.. and loudly and uncontrollably.. on that terrace.. in the open sky..