Its raining..

I love rain. I love it so much ..I can walk around in it .. for hours.. I love it because it always brings back memories..

Of the time we went to Dasara processions in Mysore and drenched ourselves like sea urchins.
Of the time when we went to Brindavan gardens and my chappals floated away and I cried until we came back.

Of the time when I went on a trip to Narasimha parvat and I was stranded with 2 of my dearest-ever friends in a tent which was floating on the rain water ..for a night that was as cold as death... Of me .. fearing every drop that would seep through the tent and fall on my face at 3 AM when I was cold and tired to the verge of delirium. Of some warm and fond feelings that I brought back from there... Of times that are too pleasant to be ever forgotten.

I hope the vivifying rains quench me very soon..
The thunderous drums to the climactic gale's tune..
Inebriated with life .. tipsy trees that swoon
The frenzy.. the divine dance in the wet dune..

I hope I can relive the memories of rain..
The joy of nascent love and the marooned pain..
The anxious waits and looking back in vain..
The scars that will forever remain..

I hope I can look at the road some day..
Beyond the watery view, I see you coming back my way..
I hope you smile the way you did before..
I hope you will be the lightning that colors my gray..

I hope to live through the deluge of guilt
That shattered every sand castle I built
I hope the noise of my own scream will be silenced by the sheets..
I hope to that my hope lasts until the settling of the silt

I hope the shower douses the burning of this coal..
I hope it fills in me .. every vacuum, every void, every hole..
Some day, when I shed my tears, I hope you are there to console..
Come fall on my skin, flood my being.. cleanse my soul...

Everywhere

The sweat beads of the night, shed on the bed of green
Tell me a secret story in the misty dawn’s sheen
The sighs of the breeze that whisper through the hill
Tell me the untold tales when the loving moments stand still

The delicate vines entwined in a uniting embrace
The need to reduce the distance, the urge to negate the space
Streams flowing to the ocean, eagerness hidden in grace
The silent duets in nature, the world waltzing to its pace

The thirsty grey waves caressing the white shore
Under the moonlight, the tireless encore
The passion of the storms quenching the dry earth
Need to the verge of death to spawn a beautiful birth

I see it everywhere, the beauty of company
I feel the bliss of bondage that has set us free
I hear it everywhere this mellow symphony
I feel every tune celebrates you and me

Tere jaane ke baad tere aane se pehle..

ek ek Lamhaa ginte ...mausam guzar gayein
kya paaya kisko tarasein.... kahan se kidhar gayein
ud chalee thi ek khaahish...sholon mein gir gayee
kub aag lagee kub raakh hui...kub khwaab mar gayein

har manzar pe khoj...har mehfil mein talaash
khud ko tanhaa tanha paaya.. jahaan gayein jidhar gayein
kar liyaa tha yeh iraada tum ko bhool jaaeyein
bewajah ka hoga jeena yaadon se jo bichard gayein

is mord se mud ke dekhoon ..tou tum itne paas they
ab kya haasil yeh soch kar ..ki hum kyon mukar gayein
Dekhte hee dekhte ..meire haath se
reit ki tarah tere furqat ke ..heerein bikhar gayein

jis subeh ke dhoop ne andhaa bana diyaa
din dhalaa tou raat mein khud se hee dar gayein
Jis fatah ki dhund yun tum ko kho diyaa
kaarwaan nikala tou sannaatein thahar gayein

Gar veeraana hai abhee tou kis ka hai kusoor
hum woh hai jo humsafar ko loot kar gayein
zindagee se oob kar bhee maut se darein
aaj woh sharmindgee bhee paar kar gayein

jis ke chaahat mein mein bhaaga woh tou thaa saraab
tishngee tou bujh na paayee ashq bhar gayein
ab yeh zindaa laash sub bazmon mein dhota hoon
khamosh pukaar na banjaaoon kub ke yeh fikar gayein

have you ever noticed?

how a kitten trusts me when she sleeps on my palm?
how a butterfly climbs on my fingers with no qualms?
how a sheep follows his master all the way to the wooden block?
Yet everyday, it is the same faith that i mock

I smile and make expressions that seem oh-so-right
They cant see me behind the mask, try as they might
Burry the dark within my soul and shine adorably bright
Go ahead and chase your dreams dont care for others plight

Run! Run! ahead of all, brush the weak aside
Trample on their carcasses, this is a matter of pride !
They trust me? So what ? Simpletons I deride.
Have to look right all the time.. who cares what is inside?

Manipulation is the key, the most powerfull tool
crush the soft, kill the meek, My fire feeds on their fuel
He who thinks I am selflessly nice is just a plain fool
Dont pity me when I bow to your person, it is your mind over which I rule

Norah jones .. Cold Cold heart

I've tried so hard, my dear, to show that you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart?

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is payin' for things I didn't do
In anger, unkind words I say that make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart?

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you, the more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart?

Silence..

I wonder.. If i were never to tell any one about it.. if i were never to share my feelings.. If i had no way of demonstrating / communicating with some one, what would I do? What would I feel and what would I do ?

Would I smile? Would I laugh? would I sit around all day and watch TV? would i pursue something real hard and achieve it?Would I say sorry? Would I do something hurtful if I couldnt ever say "i didnt mean to"? Would I silently love some one NEVER EVER to tell it to him? would I do anything at all?

Silence is amazing. If I promise myself, that I am never going to communicate my feelings, it changes the feeling itself .. Communicating ONLY when there is a material need to do so,
that can be fun .. and quite interesting.

Some one ..long ago.. had challenged me to stay quiet for a few days.. I should try that sometime.I believe it has the power to change people's character.. I should try it some time.

Piligrimage

We went to Manthralaya. People are taking baths in the muddy flood water .. and extremely tiring ordeals of prayer and worship. I bent my head down..and wanted to pray.. all that I could think of are my deepest wishes. Let my family be peaceful and happy. Let my father get back good health. Let my sisters be happy.. Let me learn well what I want to pursue etc etc.. Is prayer always just a re-iteration of what I want badly?

It felt funny.. I told amma about it.. I told her " I dont feel any bhakti"..she said.."you do what you have to do..some times mechanical acts start making deeper sense after a while"

I guess I will wait along..

Or perhaps, now , I am at such a stage, I cant face "god" eye to eye and say .. I have been good .. now return the favor please !!

Mohana murali

"yaava mohana murali kareyitu doora teerake ennanu"

I am listening to the flute recital from Pt. Hari prasad chaurasia. He is a truly blessed man.

I was a little sad.. a little preoccupied.. The flute... the magic... god! it tears my heart..
my eyes fill without my knowledge..

The pain in its beautiful music.. draws me deep in to sorrow.. why should music always drive me mad? why should it make me so joyous that i shed tears and laugh like crazy?
or .. on the other extreme.. make me cry ... my heart out?

it makes me feel sad for the days gone.. for the godly talent this man possesses or has acquired by saadhana..

he plays with emotions of the deepest corners of mind.. i know what it means now, to be ecstatic..
the "leelaaa - jaaala" flow .. between octaves between notes of the most pure delight..
it feels like waves and froth of the blissful ocean.. same depth .. same mercurious playfulness.. the same .. beauty.. the same ... blue..

he said "I will play the whole night.. now that god is with us.." perhaps with reference to when it stopped raining..

I feel truly fortunate to be here to listen and feel this .. UNIQUE .. ONCE IN A LIFETIME feeling of being blessed with a great gift of joy .. of uncontrollable outburst of emotions being drawn out of my soul.. from this simple piece of bamboo.. from this old man who hides gods powers in him..

wont write any more.. want to cherish the feelings that i have now for ever..

This is what mukti must feel like..

come back

My heart is licking its wound and blood spurts out..
no words, no dirges.... just a gurgling noise
Oh.. what a life, this life of mine,
the fruit of my labor, the life of my choice..

I look back at the path i took
at my past, my truth, my haunting ghost..
It is my self that chose to go away from me..
It is me (with you), that i miss the most

When i tore myself apart from you,
I thought I would live.. but I know i cant.
Did you leave behind a void, do i name my vaccuum you..
I dont care... it is you that i want.

The despair in white married this bride
This beautiful urn with ashes inside
The burning is gone.. No smoke to hide
what is left, is black stubborn bones of pride

the wound wont heal the blood wont clot
the red spreads over the black and white
is there no way to just fade away
is there no refuge is there no respite?

take away my thoughts, take away my soul
take away all the memory
or let me heal the only way i know
oh i beg you, please come back to me.

Wont run away

Am out in the cold, this lone sojourn
I have found the fire that had lost the burn
No more escapes, No I won’t flee
If some one runs, it won’t be me

It was a ride on the tides of time
Abandoning in bliss, every rhythm, each rhyme
Have seen the flight have seen the fall
Have seen this before have seen it all

Buried my head in my world of self
Turning away from the blinding rays..
Have to stand up and look at the sun
To see the pride of my own disgrace

I want to see the fate that waits,
Ticking patiently, my clock away.
She waits with a black veil on her face
Hiding the amber behind the lace

who will laugh the last? Of course she’ll win
who has ever won with fate agin?
But I will fight before I lose my grip
I will stare in the eyes of my own sin

bare in the open I have nothing to hide
One who has nothing to ask, can’t be denied
I sowed it all, am ready to reap
I open my arms, I am ready to leap

Amma and tears

It hurts infinitely to see my dear amma cry..

I wish there was something to do.. something that I could try..

She doesn’t have degrees, plaques and awards to show

But she can think at heights far far above

She has her little sphere in which she silently dwells

But her micro world is way bigger than I can ever tell

She thinks about relations, about love and hate

She thinks about lost passions and how it is too late

Her offspring has stepped out to seek its path in the wild..

She cries about the happiness and safety of her child

When you were with me, my baby, I could cradle you in my arms

I could bear the blizzards, to keep you safe and warm

I could take the hurt to keep that smile on your face

I could hide all the tears and misery without a trace

Now, you are out there, fighting your fight

I cannot keep from sorrow, try as I might

You will tumble and fall hard, your tender skin will tear

But you are out there, it’s not a pain I can bear

Her past went in collecting the tiny twigs for the nest

Her present is invested in giving us the best

Her wishes, her hopes, her dreams, on my shoulders they rest

God, I hope I can reach the sky fulfilling her quest

She has her small home, her universe full of us

If she peeps in to the future, the windows open to us

We grow old and farther, and off we go away

It is the fate of cruel nature that the children never stay

Don’t give me wings oh God, I don’t want to ever fly

God it hurts infinitely to see my dear amma cry

Wait on..

I crawl... in a lightless fog

Searching for shade to stand..

Groping with my bare hands

In the scorching sands..

cant bear the thoughts...

trembling troubled lava froth.

cant wait for the decision ..

boiling in my own broth..

i wait on .. to feel the sun ..

on my soaked skin..

shivering with the death chill,

burnt from within..

my eyes are hazy .. smoke doesnt clear..

I wonder if i was ever away from here.

I don’t know if i want to go away ..

I don’t know if I want to strive.

i don’t know if i hate this maze or

lingering around it gives a purpose to my life..

Shaayad Woh Tu Hai

In andheree raaton mein ..

kaheen tou ek jugnoo hai ...

shaayad woh tu hai...

sawaalon ke kohrein mein....

kaheen koi aarzoo hai ...

shaayad woh tu hai..

in aakhree saanson mein..

jeene ki justjoo hai

shaayad woh tu hai....

andekhee sapnon ke peeche

haqeeqat roobaroo hai
shaayad woh tu hai..

aahon se niklaa... halkaa saa dhuaan

ab bhee woh aag unbujhaa kyun hai ?

jaane kyon meiree aankhen dhundlee hai ...

chalke jo aansoon shaayad woh tu hai

What matters

When I am close to death, with that last breath..

What is it that I will yearn?

If I cock my head, and would still be dead

What did I really earn?

Does it matter that, I soared to heights,

Will it matter if I fell?

When I’m ashes to ashes and dust to dust

Who can ever tell?

Will it count if I cared for the near and dear ones?

Will it hurt if I turned a blind eye?

I can’t do every thing right all the time

How many can I satisfy?

I think and ponder and brood and wonder

What is that that matters to me?

Then I see, if every here and now is fine,

What else could future will be?

Questions without answers

Tell me oh my final fate, will I bow to thee?

Will it be surrender or a glorious victory?

Will my hopes be lost or become reality?

Or will I run for ever behind a fantasy?

Will I keep chasing the dreams of my glee?

Will I tire mid way and face the melancholy?

Will I lose faith in quest and still live happily?

What is it I want and what is a necessity?

In the hunt of the final bliss, I live each moment in grief..

What do I really need and what is my belief?

What will make me happy and is that what I need?

Where do I go from here, turn back or shall I proceed?

The questions that now haunt me will they ever leave?

The answers that I deny when will I ever perceive?

Is it right in front of me and right behind the haze?

Or is it that there is no center in this whole maze?

Is it in the destination at the end of this fight?

Or is there no destination? All there is, is an aimless flight?

Where is that other end of this tunnel, the one so called bright?

Or have I slept through the dawn, and am hunting it in the night?

My eyes are looking for some end to this ambiguity..

This desert, this mirage, this caravan, is still a mystery

Do I want to move on in search of the final destiny?

Should I stand right here and find it inside me?

Lost...

Take over my life for a day and show me what I dream is true

Give me one night.. to go touch the stars.. to tear open the blue..

I sit with you on the porch and talk silently .. hear me please..

A thunderstorm in my mind waiting for a release..

I think to myself.. there has to be more to do with life…

There has to be more to share..

There has to be places to go ..

There have to be adventures to dare..

I never thought that it will be lonely being in love..

The rush of feelings that quite don’t reach out..

I wish you felt the same ecstasy of being with me..

The same outburst that fills my eyes made your eyes teary

I want to see it in you dear..

The same spark that lights my eyes..

I want to say so many things..

I don’t want to hear the old and believed lies

My mind runs in a million directions

When I think of how I want to love..

I want to hold on to each of my dreams..

I don’t want to let go..

This feeling of immersion in a blessed ocean

To lose myself, my thoughts, my sense of time..

The feeling of every moment being well spent..

So long as there is you in my life..

A million dreams.. A million ways I want to please you..

Our music, our laughs our love our safe nest..

I have hundreds of lives

I could fill up with love.. and still have some left

Come share them with me dear..

Don’t leave me in my dreams world alone..

To lose faith in dreaming..

To have to touch and see if I am alive..