Inner lies

There are some things, (I won't call them facts or thoughts or beliefs) in my life that I hold so dearly close, that it will shatter my very foundations, if I were even to question their veracity.

For some people, it is THE truth. These are the people who just know things.. they are perfect colors, be it black or white or even beige. They live and die happily.

Then, there are some other people like yours truly, just do not identify with anything of a definite shade. They are just floating clouds of grey in the plasma of indecision. They desperately seek things to give them shape, color, meaning, identity.

For example, I can never question that there is hope. I can never question that there can be change. I cannot help but think that people can rise from their worst and improve. But you already can see, even as I write it, I would not have had to cling to these thoughts unless I had not already feared (perhaps even accepted) defeat.

I can see this in many other people around me too. People spend lifetimes clinging to things that they wont question for a moment because it is the dearest thing that they have. A self image that is closest to what they would want to be. Sheltering themselves from whatever the reality (whatever that means) is. Remarkable is the power of self delusion.
Is it worth a try to wipe this mirror clean? Why do we lie to ourselves? Why is truth so ugly?

30 today!

I am 30 today, it may as well have been 40, 50, or anything like that.. or even zero years old for that matter. Nothing has changed really. Nothing ever seems to change. I am as helpless as the day as I was born. Unable to change myself or anything around me. Misery and Suffering are everywhere around me. I dont even have to turn and yo! it is grinning in my face. The only way I can handle them is by forgetting about them temporarily. I can understand why people need to get high, like never before.

If there is anyone called God, it is high time he showed some grace. Should it be really my helplessness and sorrow, that should make me start believing in such a thing? The other option being, have to face my utter pathos and inability to help anything or anyone. It is at these times.. that I wish there were a god.. and he would listen to me praying. I mean, the God, the creator of the Universe, shouldn't he have a more pleasing way to make people look towards him?