what is in a dream?

I had a dream yesterday.. you and I.. we were together..
I was at your home.. walking around like it had been mine forever..
You had accepted me in your arms.. I dont know what that meant..
I was not in heaven.. I was not ecstatic.. I was just ... content..

Your friends were talking to me, like they knew who we were..
I felt like I belonged there more than I belonged any where..
There was the kindness in your eyes, that comes out of pure love..
Then, I woke up..thinking, I dont deserve what you can bestow..

What is in that dream that I dont forget it like the rest?
Why the craving to clutch the twigs in the tempest?
Is it the hope of a wish that is impossible?
Is it the wish of a hope that is just invincible?

I wake up and I see your memory afloat..
And my breath tightens a death grip on my throat..
It has been years that you are gone..
Why dont I want you to leave me alone?

Lethargy

Here I am..

Motivated by looking at great men ..
I am dreaming the dream of being some one I look up to..
What am I doing towards it?
I sit around .. most of the time.. like the time spent sitting, is worth its own while..
Doing the do's of gaining knowledge..only when the needs call..
Listening for ideas to spawn..hoping for a better tomorrow...
waiting for things to happen.. sometimes just waiting..

feeling worse and worse by the days? weeks? months? or I have lost track of time ?
and of course .. blogging about it!

I don't know where I am going..
I don't know if that is where I want to go..
But on the other hand, where would I rather go?
Would it be to a place that makes me better for the lazy-ass I am?
Should I rather go to a less demanding place.. where just my "natural charm" will earn me money? hah!

Why? I am doing things that make me feel better about myself..aren't I? (or so I believe). I have actually reached a place where pleasing some random set of people whom I care to please, is far gone (or has it become so seamless that I think that I am my own boss even when I am being lead by others?). This to the best of my knowledge(or ardent belief) is the thing I want to do with my life.

But, I am not working.. I am avoiding work.. I am scared of being mediocre as always.. but that doesn't force me to improve either. When things are going so that I understand them, and see a point, it is all fine. But, the moment, there is a ramp required in my learning, a ramp that requires me to breath harder and climb, I would rather let my inertia take over. I am not remotely inspired by complications and intricacies of the hoops that I need to go through in order to master anything.. I am not ready to put in the effort.. and what I want is just the fruit of it..And nothing less will please me!

Yeah yeah, I know it is every one's story..

To me, it is *MY* snowflake!

I dont love any one!

This is what I have realized.. I am too selfish to love any one too dearly! And I am not ashamed of it at all! Nope, this is not the exam time depression speaking.. This is not loneliness induced obsession speaking.. This is not any kind of pre-or-post MS speaking..This is no cynical philosophical BS speaking.. Yessir! this is plain old keerthi. original uncut version.

I do all the loving gestures to people.. I care for them.. I do things that they will like/ be happy about. But, I don't love them.. I just love the feeling that I get when I do these things.. The smiles, the thank yous.. oh yes the thank yous (I will talk about this later) and similar responses make me happy. I don't care about them.. I care about myself..I do the right things to instill the right responses.. and then Voila! Experiment is a success! I don't care about the guinea pigs any more!

Another equally important reason for me doing the things that I do, other than the experiment being a success is the impression that I create. Oh my god! Do I EVER run behind impressions! I am SO PERENNIALLY confused between what I am doing for myself and what I am doing for the impression of it, I don't even know when I am faking emotions! I dont like my husband if he does not reciprocate the love I give him.. I don't like people who take favors from me and are not grateful.. so much so that... the whole thing loses its value for me.

It is a tango.. if the other person doesn't dance along, the whole fun is gone! I dont care about ni-swaartha prema! I want what I want.. if you can give it to me, fine.. or else .. I dont care about you!

There is something terribly wrong!

All this and I have a lot of free time on my hands to write all this BS about! hurray ! my life rocks!